From Married at First Sight to Indian Matchmaking, arranged marriages have been reality TV fodder for years. But, as is true of many a reality TV relationship, arranged or not, what we see onscreen isn’t always the most accurate representation of what’s really going on behind closed doors. So what is it really like to be in an arranged marriage? How does it work, how do the people in those marriages feel about the dynamic, and how does this relationship style compare to the more “traditional” marriages many of us may be more familiar with?
Below, six real people open up about the realities of arranged marriage.
Responses have been condensed and lightly edited for clarity.
1. “We’re like any other couple.”
This is how my arranged marriage went. After I finished school my parents approached me and asked if I was ready to marry. I said no and they left it. (I was 18, almost 19). When I was 21, I was approached by my parents again asking if I was ready. This time I said yes. Then people started asking my parents about me. My parents were telling me who was asking about me and if I wanted to arrange a meeting with said person. I rejected two without a meeting because from what I heard, I wasn’t interested. The third I said yes to. He and his family came to our house and sat and talked with my family over lunch.
After a while, my mum told me we should talk (me and him) so I agreed. I obviously wanted to know more about him. They left us together and we spoke for quite a while, asked loads of questions regarding character and the future. After about a week or so he proposed through family. I wasn’t sure so I didn’t give a reply for about three weeks after that. When I did, it was a yes.
We were engaged for a year and are now married. We’re like any other couple now and are completely happy with each other. And we’re scarily really compatible in the things we both like or don’t like and agree or disagree with. As with any relationship, we do argue but I can honestly only think of two times we’ve really actually argued. Otherwise we mostly have jokey fights. [via]
2. “Our personalities are complete opposites.”
We actually don’t get along. Our personalities are complete opposites. I personally like it quiet around the home and have time to myself, but my husband likes to have guests all the time and it is really annoying. Not to mention that he is messy while I like to keep stuff clean and organized. [via]
3. “I don’t think I could have found a better man on my own.”
I got married a month ago to a man I had only spoken to twice. Nine months later (an engagement period), we were legally married. We were in a long distance relationship on two opposite sides of the country. He visited me twice. I am 19 years old and when I tell people I’m married they are very taken aback. Just yesterday a girl told me that my life is over. But I have to say that I have never been happier. I love my husband very much. He is kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and I don’t think I could have found a better man on my own.
Thankfully, we got along great and had a lot of the same interests. Things we did not agree with took a lot of compromising on both sides. Another thing I’d like to point out is that when I tell people I’m married they usually assume I’m married to a 40-year-old gross guy. When I show them a picture of us they always make it a point to call us a beautiful couple. [via]
4. “I had a lot of doubts about this working out, but we seem to be very compatible in many ways.”
I have been married for five years now. We are very happy and have a two-year-old daughter. I was recovering from a breakup after a serious relationship when my parents sort of forced me into meeting my now-wife. We met and chatted for a few hours and then spoke maybe a couple of times on the phone before we agreed to get married. At that time, I had a lot of doubts about this working out, but we seem to be very compatible in many ways—more so than in any of the relationships I’d had. I think arranged marriages can work as long as both partners give it time and are willing to look past the small things—but then I guess that's true for any marriage. [via]
5. “I wouldn't change a thing about it.”
Pretty much every religious Jew I know (and myself) have gone through this process, called “shidduchim.” I dated for about a month (I think we got together around 10 times and talked on the phone maybe another four or five times) and had a three-month engagement. We’ve been married nearly a decade and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. [via]
6. “The first two years of marriage were tough.”
We spoke daily for a month before the wedding without even meeting. Then BAM, we’re married. At the time we were both virgins at 24 and sex was a pleasant surprise lol. I will admit that the first two years of marriage were tough because we were just getting to know each other and our personalities were just soooo different.
Once we married we moved from the UAE to North Carolina for study purposes. Anyhow, we’ve been married now for 10 years with three kids and I thank god every day for bringing him into my life. [via]
